My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
He made me hold his dick and say "I solemnly swear that I'm up to no good"
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Randomize
