You were asking people if they could pee on you while you shotgunned beers
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
