i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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