Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
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