I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
