This is getting serious. I keep forgetting what's in my vagina.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
