Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
