when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
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