i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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