i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
starting to feel like a fuck wizard with a magical sixth sense for people fucking.
Randomize
