you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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