I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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