I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
