I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
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Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
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Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
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