already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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