she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
Randomize
