I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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