hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Randomize
