have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
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I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Sorry you saw me having sex with your brother on the beach
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
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