Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
A homeless man gave him a blanket and an ambulance drove him to sarahs...
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Randomize
