Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
