i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
She's not a foreskin expert like you
He got an erection from helping me mobilize my lumbar spine. I love physical therapy school.
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
Randomize
