I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Randomize
