I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
He barged in the room with no shirt on, all fucking ripped with a half keg under one arm. Sara now calls him Bronan the Beerbarian
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
