4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
I would rather her be sleeping with someone new than getting to go Harry Potter world before me...
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
