I want to make a zoo with you.
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
at a bar and heard one girl tell another her tampon string was showing she goes i dont want it in anymore anyways. then proceeds to pull out her tampon in the middle of the bar and leave it on a plate. ewwww
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
