i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
