burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Am I the only person in the world that does not give a shit about the avengers?
Randomize