Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
