now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
If the sex wasn't incredible why would I compare it to cheesy tots
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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