I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
A drunk frat boy just jumped on the hood of my car while I was driving down Bridge St. He yelled at me to keep going since he was playing frogger and needed another car to jump on... or a log. I hate this town.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
