I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
