i like that octo mom she is my favorite xmen
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
