just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
We were tripping too hard to figure out to tell him where we were so we sent a picture of me laying outside the tent saying "find us"
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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