After last night, I could never be a politician.
I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
