Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
Randomize
