Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
Randomize
