So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
