So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
