Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Neil John just started open mouth kissing everyone to make sure they are safe.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
Randomize
