this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
Randomize
