So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Randomize
