I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
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