So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
i hit her car. ill just send her a farmville gift in the morning. then it'll be alright.
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.
You're welcome.
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
Randomize
