Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
