I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
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