Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Randomize
