She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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