why im i the only drunk person in the library?
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I just want to sing to him and rub baby oil on his head
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
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