I'm really into asian looking animals
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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