did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
