Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
If I were better looking, this would be the point where I'd resign myself to stripping.
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
Randomize
