And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
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I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
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Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I got here. Mom yelled "drink of the day is blueberry sangria" and next thing I knew I was on a slip and slide.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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